Big Dreams!

Five years ago, someone sent me an article about this amazing group of female gamers, called the Frag Dolls. I've been following them ever since, as they spread the word about women in gaming, altered the world's perception of what girl gamers can be like, and fostered a safe and comfortable community for female gamers of every ilk. They are sponsored by Ubisoft, so they promote Ubisoft games, participate in Ubisoft community endeavors, and compete in a number of popular FPS titles. In short, they are awesome.

Three years ago, I applied to be a Frag Doll. I got to be interviewed by Morgan (aka Rhoulette), but didn't ultimately make the final casting round.

Well, tomorrow (my birthday!) I'm applying again. It's been my dream to be a Frag Doll for so many years that it seems silly to not apply.

For your fun and amusement, I'm posting my "Gaming History," which will be one piece of the application I submit. Wish me luck!

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My gaming history.

If you want to find me, don’t look for me to be sitting on a couch, in front of a television, controller in hand. Instead, you can find me throwing touchdowns or cruising behind the wheel of an exotic sports car. I have been known to spend my lunchbreaks doing nosegrinds and boardslides in my custom-built skate park. I am a conspiracy theory photojournalist, I am an explorer of archaeological ruins, I stack irregular, two-dimensional solids with efficiency. Occasionally, I need food badly.

I grew up swinging across tar pits on jungle vines and dodging the occasional barrel tossed by an oversized simian. When I was just 14, I out-skated the skinny guy and drove the game-winning slapshot through the fat guy, across the ice, and into the opponent’s goal. I can do hurdles while running in place.

Nineteen years ago, I discovered the cure for an obscure red, blue, and yellow virus by stacking the appropriate medicinal pills. Six years ago, I liberated the galaxy from the dominion of the evil Darth Malak. And three years ago, I eliminated the terrorist threat inside several famous casinos.

If you want to know about my gaming history, ask my mom where I was when Samus first removed her helmet or when Sarge hugged the Elite. Ask my friends how many hours I’ve spent playing matchmaker to a host of paper animals full of candy.

And if you’re ever venturing into the unknown, consider taking me along. I never leave home without night vision goggles and sticky cameras. I hurl turtle shells at passing cars with deadly accuracy, I can fend off a grue with only a lantern, and I can sing lead vocals on “Enter Sandman.” I am an expert with the crowbar, a veteran with the chainsaw, and an artiste with the undead-slaying whip. When aiding injured comrades, I am occasionally invincible.

I have single-handedly uncovered a bioengineering conspiracy involving mutants and zombies, prevented the bungling DataDyne corporation from giving an evil alien race the power to destroy humankind, and rescued Mr. Pokeylope, the turtle. I have saved the princess, though she was in another castle.

When I was in Jerusalem, I instinctively wanted to climb the highest building. When I saw War of the Worlds, I expected the invaders to line up in neat rows. And I always wondered why the Scooby gang never took the magical pellet that would let them eat ghosts.

But if you need some practical advice, then look no further. I can tell you that the secret to a strong body is plenty of pizza. I know that a golden gun means a one-hit kill, jousting is properly done with ostriches, and folding fans are terrible weapons. Mist is spelled with a y and combat is spelled with a k. And when the dog laughs at you, I think it’s okay to shoot him.

To tell you the truth, I rarely have time to play video games. In the evenings, I’m an art student with the power to bend space and time. By day, I deliver newspapers with uncanny accuracy. In short, my life has been a tale of souls and swords from the kingdom of Daventry to the empire of Sun Hai.

If you want to find me, I can tell you where to look: flying my Arwing through the skies of Corneria, casting my spells in the plains of Cyrodiil, or playing my music in the fields of Hyrule. I have saved the Empress of Time, I have avenged the flower girl, I have beaten Mike Tyson.

But I have never been a Frag Doll.